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Idiotic iPod product of the year.

April 25, 2007 · 42 Comments

I would like to point you to an example of the notion that no matter how stupid something may seem, someone out there is doing it.

I present to you the iCarta iPod Toilet Roll. Let your eyes feast on this marvel of modern engineering.

Hold your mocking for one second, if you don’t mind. You should know that there are real features and even a customer testimonial so soaked with lameness and grammar errors that only someone who would actually buy one of these could have written it.

The best feature?

4 Integrated high performance moisture-free speakers deliver exceptional clarity and high quality sound

“Moisture-free” speakers? Giddyup! Either the engineering aplomb that has gone into the iCarta is second to none, or they meant to say “waterproof,” which connotes a pretty disgusting usage model for this thing. Makes you wonder why they don’t make an off-yellow model.

Naturally, being a high-end, discriminating consumer who’s well into the Apple fold, you’re wondering about speaker performance and fidelity. No worries — the technical specs have it covered.

Speakers:
2 x tweeters for highs
2 x woofers for lows

Well, that certainly clears things up.

And let’s not forget the elevator pitch, which gets right to the point of the iCarta while managing to use the words “people”, “beats” and “bathroom” in the same sentence — and not in the way you think.

The state of the art device, called an iCarta, makes it easier for people to listen to beats while using the bathroom.

There’s a solution to a problem nobody has. How many times have you said to yourself, “Self, I need to go to the bathroom something fierce, but I just don’t feel like it unless I have some jams!” If your answer is a nonzero number, you have issues.

Finally, not content to let the feature and specs run the show, the customer “testimonial” is the coup de grace:

I’ve got to admit my first reaction was to laugh. But when my wife suggested I sit on my throne and listen to Ravel’s Bolero I knew she was on to something. This iPod Toilet roll is actually FANTASTIC in my bathroom. Those long hot soaks in the tub became a whole lot more soothing with my favorite music playing in the background. Some visits it’s “Splish Splash I Was Taken A Bath” and at other times “The Long And Lonesome Road” seems more appropriate. I’ll let you figure out how I match my activity to the song. Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed this well made, well designed, beautiful iPod docking station. And what a conversation piece. I’m hear [Hear?! Get it? -- ed.] to tell you nothing in my house can top it!

I’ve bolded the bits of advertising and copywriting genius, in case you missed them.

This can be yours for $70 bucks plus tax and shipping and the small part of you that dies when you order.

I would go to great lengths to see the customer data for people who buy this. And buying it for a gag gift doesn’t count.

Categories: Apple & OSX · Design · Health · Humor · Marketing · Science · Technology · iPod

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